6.23.2015

this one summer day.

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Today when I left my house and entered this park, my internal eyes were zoomed in on myself like a microscope. It's by no means the first time I've been self-absorbed, but it's one of the more acute days I've ever had, and the only way I knew how to escape was to get out. Get out of the house, out of my head, and stare at something different -- other then myself and what I didn't want to see. But the truth is, I could barely see anything around me. I couldn't see the people I was passing. I couldn't see the trees, the water. I was mentally blinded by my own self.

The good news is, when I exited that park, I had new eyes. 

That's the best way I can describe it. I've never needed new eyes so badly in my life, and no one else could give them to to me, other then Jesus. Because as I walked out, I wasn't looking at myself anymore, but Him. Just staring at Him. There's a freedom at looking at the cross that is so much bigger than oneself, than ones past or future, that is all-encompassing, and it's the only real freedom I've ever known. It's the only real purpose I've ever known. I don't understand how I can lose sight of it so repeatedly, but I have comfort in knowing He's never letting me go, even when I do.

p.s. been a while since a post like this, hah.

edit: I felt a piercing need to add to this post the day after writing it, just to clarify my own ramblings for myself (and anyone who actually reads this). It bothered me that the ending of this post left off on such a high note, because the reality of today is that high note has already gone a little flat. That one documented good day up above is the consequence of unnumbered lousy days. My helpless pride winces at the knowledge that the only pathway to a fuller revelation of Love is a clearer exposing of my wanton sin -- so here's that appropriate, discouraging, and rather paradoxical ending.

13 comments:

  1. Kimberly, wow. This is so deep and beautiful, and I can so, so, SO relate to this. Being introspective to the point of it being painful. It's so liberating to just look to Jesus...this is so perfectly written, girl.

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    1. Glad it all made sense at least, haha! Thanks, Katie, gurl. ;)

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  2. wow, this rings so true. i dont understand how i stumble so many times, why i always seem to think i can do it better on my own, but His grace is so amazing, He is so good.

    this is such a well written post. love love love you, Kimberly!

    xx, rn

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    1. You are always so encouraging and kind, Rachel! Thank you.

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  3. sweet sister....
    I'm so glad you can find your worth in the eyes of Jesus....it makes all other values seem so much smaller...praying for you.....

    P.S.....I know that park!

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    1. Yes, you do know that park!! :D I go there quite often these days, since it's the most nature-y thing nearby. But thank you for the prayers, I need them. <3

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  4. beautiful thoughts lil' sis. Resting in Jesus is hard. thanks for breaking light into my very cloudy mind. Love you

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  5. You're in my prayers. Here's a cheers to His mercies which are new every morning! x

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    1. you're the best, maryrachel. xoxo.

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  6. Well ain't that just the truth. I'm always feeling like a absolute roller-coaster wreck. Just when I think I have it all together, I let my self dive back into sin. I guess it's all because I'm looking to my own strength to fight a battle that's killing me. Even though my life is a paltry show of the Christian faith, I find comfort in knowing that I can't stand the filth I see on me. Even in that small way, God encourages me that I am not of this world.
    "Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man which is renewed in knowledge after the image of Him that created him." Col 3:9-10
    <3 you girl, keep pressing into the Lord!

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    1. Beautiful words, Ellie. Thank you <3

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  7. "I've never needed new eyes so badly in my life, and no one else could give them to to me, other then Jesus. Because as I walked out, I wasn't looking at myself anymore, but Him. Just staring at Him." < this right here? gave me chills. I have days like this too, girl -- it's true, they don't usually end on high notes as you'd like them to, but if you keep staring at Jesus, everything else will fade. That's where I learn to look at myself like He does, like I am a child. Thank you for sharing this. <3

    love,
    abbie

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