Being carefree has not been a dominant feeling in my life lately. There is not a minute in the day when I am not thinking, "This is such a waste of time, I should be doing that instead" or "There's no way I am going to get all this done." My life has turned into a tornado.
People from the outside looking it would probably laugh at that remark. My life appears calm, quiet, and rather hermit-like; but my mind. It plays tricks on me. Makes me feel like I have a zillion things to do today, makes me want to write thousands of to-do lists, and then play tricks on me when I loose them and just feel like I am forgetting something.
It is rather comical when I think about it, but it does not feel comical when I am enduring it. The feeling of worry. Of fear.
Where did peace go? Sweet peace and rest?
Time goes far too fast now-days. Maybe it's will school starting, and realizing there is no possible way I can keep up with all my summer activities and schoolwork at the same time. Somethings got to give.
Already, my productivity has slackened tremendously concerning creative things I would love to do. It is so painful to not be able to pick up craft projects which are only half-way done. To stare an unfinished works scattered around the room and ache to finish them, but not have time to.
This may just be me, but productivity is a big deal to me. My mind constantly is computing my productivity in a day. I check things off lists, calculate what I think I ought to have accomplished and am only satisfied if I have meet the level I "should" have.
The days of bumming around all day are gone; and sadly, I realize in summer they never existed either. I had lists, goals, things which needed to be done in order for me to feel productive. To feel happy with myself and the day I had lived in.
There are certain things which ought to be done in one day; but when worry about them takes over, days are ruined. Time feels like it's slipping through my fingers. I would love to re-live the feeling of the days when I would run free like a child; not think about whether I had been "productive" today. Whether I had met the bar. Been successful.
But Jesus called them to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.”
Luke 18: 16-17
In life it's good to take a deep breath, close my eyes, and pray. Not makes lists.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.