It is the strangest thing. Wondering. I think about things, I can analyze a problem, I can find the answer, but it feels impossible to just do.
Yes, in this post I am about to sound like a lunatic to some of you, but I have sort of taken on a new philosophy on my blog (as so many other people in the blogging community are). I am starting to just write again. To just write about life, and how I feel, and what I think. My life is far from perfect. We all have struggles, and when we express those struggles, a bit of the fog in life seems to clear, doesn't it?
Lately I have been thinking and frowning and aching and just wondering about school; I know a lot of people only recently started school while I have been plowing through textbooks for about a month now. This is my senior year of high school, and I am homeschooled, and I wanted to do absolutely amazing this year. I wanted to get a big, fat, juicy A+ on everything and to smile and feel proudly like I was getting ready for college.
If you get my drift, you understand that is not happening this year; I dare not say the exact opposite has happened because it hasn't. But something that feels far worst has happened.
I have lost my will to learn. I actually feel this year I am have to re-learn how to learn. If that makes any sense.
It's the craziest thing. It's not that I am truly too busy with blogging, sewing, or any other hobby but simply that my craving to do well at school and increase my knowledge in things seems to have dissolved into the atmosphere. Now, don't get me wrong; I still adore reading and writing in English class (which seems to be the only one I am getting through alright) but other classes feel nearly unbearable.
It's only been a month of school but it feels a year.
So I realize I need to re-evaluate school; I need to remind myself about why I am learning and why I ought to learn. It is not because I am going to be an engineer one day and must master pre-calculus and physics. It is because I need to teach myself how to just learn in general.
I almost feel it's the principle behind school which I have forgotten. It would be so easy to just skimp through school, fail a few tests, not blink an eyelid.
But I just can't do that, you know? I just can't; and I know it's because God would disapprove. I know it's because I am simply being lazy and have convinced myself of a lie -- that I am not smart enough, that math is worthless, that school is worthless -- and that is a huge, gross lie.
Whatever I do, I do for the glory of God.
I cannot fail my classes because I wouldn't be doing only myself an injustice, but the Lord an injustice for the mind and opportunities He has given me to learn. To grow, to gain knowledge.
I must persevere through, I must stomp out the lie, and rush into the Truth.
He will set me free.
Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31