9.16.2011

Missing In Action

A serious case of MIA has been going on over here in my little nook of the web (I totally just stole that term from Olivia). However, it doesn't even feel I have been MIA only on this blog but even in real life; it's almost as if I have sunken into this pit in life where I look at things and just wonder, and wonder, and wonder. And cannot do.

It is the strangest thing. Wondering. I think about things, I can analyze a problem, I can find the answer, but it feels impossible to just do.

Yes, in this post I am about to sound like a lunatic to some of you, but I have sort of taken on a new philosophy on my blog (as so many other people in the blogging community are). I am starting to just write again. To just write about life, and how I feel, and what I think. My life is far from perfect. We all have struggles, and when we express those struggles, a bit of the fog in life seems to clear, doesn't it?


Lately I have been thinking and frowning and aching and just wondering about school; I know a lot of people only recently started school while I have been plowing through textbooks for about a month now. This is my senior year of high school, and I am homeschooled, and I wanted to do absolutely amazing this year. I wanted to get a big, fat, juicy A+ on everything and to smile and feel proudly like I was getting ready for college.

If you get my drift, you understand that is not happening this year; I dare not say the exact opposite has happened because it hasn't. But something that feels far worst has happened.



I have lost my will to learn. I actually feel this year I am have to re-learn how to learn. If that makes any sense.

It's the craziest thing. It's not that I am truly too busy with blogging, sewing, or any other hobby but simply that my craving to do well at school and increase my knowledge in things seems to have dissolved into the atmosphere. Now, don't get me wrong; I still adore reading and writing in English class (which seems to be the only one I am getting through alright) but other classes feel nearly unbearable.

It's only been a month of school but it feels a year.

So I realize I need to re-evaluate school; I need to remind myself about why I am learning and why I ought to learn. It is not because I am going to be an engineer one day and must master pre-calculus and physics. It is because I need to teach myself how to just learn in general.

I almost feel it's the principle behind school which I have forgotten. It would be so easy to just skimp through school, fail a few tests, not blink an eyelid.

But I just can't do that, you know? I just can't; and I know it's because God would disapprove. I know it's because I am simply being lazy and have convinced myself of a lie -- that I am not smart enough, that math is worthless, that school is worthless -- and that is a huge, gross lie.

Whatever I do, I do for the glory of God.


I cannot fail my classes because I wouldn't be doing only myself an injustice, but the Lord an injustice for the mind and opportunities He has given me to learn. To grow, to gain knowledge.

I must persevere through, I must stomp out the lie, and rush into the Truth.

He will set me free.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

9 comments:

  1. Beautiful, beautiful post. That's kind of how I'm feeling right now! I'm home schooled, too, and although I technically should be a sophomore, I almost have enough credits to be a junior. It's so exciting, and yet super stressful at the same time. Things are becoming more stressful and frustrating, and I'm thinking about college, graduation, and life. It's so easy to get caught up in all that! Part of me is like, "Well, you don't HAVE to graduate a year early... Surely it would be easier not to!" And another part of me says, "No! I really want to get an A+, study hard, and not just give meager answers. I want to have a willingness and motivation to learn."
    It's a crazy struggle! I'll be praying for you, girl! Good luck! :)
    ♥ Kailyn

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  2. Wonderful post, Kimberly! :)

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  3. @Kailyn, it's nice to know someone else knows what I'm ranting about. Haha! Thank you for the prayers; they mean a lot to me! Praying for you too.

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  4. this is one of those posts when i feel as though you have been peering through the pages of my journals.

    you are a dearheart. <3

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  5. beautiful post! absolutely lovely.

    - rach.
    www.so--hi.blogspot.com

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  6. I like to remind myself that learning is so much fun! Because there are just so many things out there to know, and I love understanding how things work, or even just satisfying my curiosity...however, I too have hit times of zero-learning-energy. What I find helps is if I change how I'm looking at it. I don't even know how to describe this, but if you just take a step back and try, say, looking at it from some sort of upside down kind of way. Not just as school, not just as an education. Take it from a completely different approach: ask yourself new and different kinds of questions. Even questions that seem unrelated! Think outside of the box!! Everything is going to get better as the school year moves along. Of course, a cup of tea during study time never hurts either. ;)

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  7. Thank you for the dear comments; they truly inspire me.

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  8. Hey you ol' dear,
    Remember me? Hehe...
    Arrivederci (which is Italian),
    Au Revoir (which is (duh) french)
    Farvel (which is Danish)
    And αντίο (which is Greek).
    Till our next meeting,
    Becks
    P.S. Don't tag me as spam please. ;)

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  9. goodness, i loved this post. you just about verbalized what i've been feeling.

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Your comments inspire me.